I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
