I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
