WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
