So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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