there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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