he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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