3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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