I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
