Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
