Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
