Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
