I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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