Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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