Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
