just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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