I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
