look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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