when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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