Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
