I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
