if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
