My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
There's always time for handjobs
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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