Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
