first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
