your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
