Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
