Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
