Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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