We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
