first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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