I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
