yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i already hear my dad disowning me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
