I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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