Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
