**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
