actually, I'm a sock model
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
