Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
