Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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