i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
