I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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