We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
