I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
