i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
