shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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