If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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