i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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