Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
