guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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