so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
