I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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