I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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